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Everyone predicted that I would fall off the updating wagon soon enough, but I didn't realize it'd be that quickly! Every few days I'd be like "ohgosh gotta post" and then I'd just never get around to it, so now's the time! I will do it! Here's a super boring and rambly rundown of my last few months:


- Late March/early April: Went to my cousin's wedding in Indonesia with my mom, which was a super fun and fulfilling trip. It was really nice to be with my extended family, even though I couldn't navigate the language enough to speak back when spoken to (I'm one of those "understands it but can't produce it" kids), and even though I basically know nothing about them. There was something so comfortable and familiar about those people and that culture, even though I don't actively think about it as being a part of who I am; it was nice to spend a week reminded that I have this whole chunk of people on the other side of the world who care very much about me even if I only talk to them once every ten years or so. I know family is really messed up for a lot of people, so I feel incredibly fortunate and grateful that mine are such a good bunch.


- Early May: Needed a change of scenery, so I made a quick trip to Japan that coincidentally(?!?!) lined up nicely with Golden Week/Johnny's WEST in Yokohama Arena! Fancy that!! XD What an amazingly fun concert that was, even though we were the ~loud Americans~ and Meghan basically had to keep to herself the entire time because I'm pretty sure she was ashamed to be seen with us. :'D That makes my third Johnny's concert (after Arashi and Kanjani8 in November-December), and I feel like I'm ticking them off at a good pace. :3

I also had a tour and pseudo-interview with the company I'll be working for when I move to Japan. I... actually don't think I've talked about it in any detail here, but basically:

moving to Japan and things )


- Late June: Some random folks I kind of knew from college got married. William asked me to be in his wedding party as a "groomsperson" (was the title I gave myself), and I was Real Cute, NEGL (I bought a black jacket/vest/skirt to create the femme version of what the guys were wearing, with the tie rented from Men's Wearhouse). It was actually a bit overwhelming how fun the weekend was and I don't think I'd be able to adequately express what it meant to me to be there, but generally, it was one of the best weekends in a very long with a bunch of old friends. (Also got to spend a day with the illustrious Tey, with whom I saw animals and a lack-of-animals and it was just... so fun?? Glad we were able to make it happen. ♥) Goodbyes were a little surreal because I realized it'd probably be the last time I saw many of them for a long time (probably not until the next wedding, or longer); I don't even know if Japan is going to be a permanent home for me or if I'll come back to the US at some point, and that makes this feeling even more intangible/difficult to process, but I'm really glad that I got to spend such a special weekend with so many of the faces I love.


- Lately: Been in my weird anxious phase about my high school trauma (basically watching my friends become better friends with each other and leave me behind) and writing complex (can't read fic because it makes me legitimately sick to my stomach to read good writing, even though plenty of those same people tell me they love my writing). But I want to write more because sometimes I do feel really good about writing, but a lot of it is that I want to prove myself and have people recognize me as ~so good~ or whatever, and that feels kind of weird and rude and unnecessarily competitive to me. Eh, eh, life, adulthood, eh.


Hm, I'll learn how to make these entries interesting someday. XD Um I wanted to end with something about Bun-chan because I love him so much, but I actually have nothing specific to say. Just know that I love him so much.


A little happiness: I got new running shorts yesterday! To fend off that weird tan I've developed while wearing running pants where my shins/calves are super tan but my thighs are super white. I actually think my thighs are incredibly gross, but it's not my problem how other people feel about seeing them. :D More exercise means they'll be less gross someday anyway, so~
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Good news! My friend I hadn't heard back from is doing well! She, in fact, didn't get my text because of the giant photo of my cat. Technology can be so petty when it's jealous of my cat's excellence. :(

I also messaged my old boss from my part-time job at UCLA just telling her I was thinking of her and thanking her for all the stuff she taught me that I'm using in my current position. She sent me a message back all touched and happy to hear from me. This reaching out to people thing feels really nice.


The weather has been glorious this past week so I'm trying to get back into running. I don't like that I'm one of those people who stops during winter, but I feel like death running around a track/on a treadmill so I welcome the relative sunshine and warmth. I'm hoping that I'll soon be able to start biking to work again, too, but assuredly the weather will become terrible again and we'll have 30 more years of winter before spring finally arrives.


I want to be one of those people who can talk about her uninteresting day-to-day in an interesting way, but developing that skill takes a lot more effort than sitting in front of the computer and staring at moving pictures for a while. Alas.


Today's little happiness: My mom packs my lunch every morning because I'm a helpless 27-year-old so I often don't know what's in it until I pop open my tupper/bowl. Today was rice, beef, and broccoli -- simple but delicious. :D
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In an effort to do that reaching-out-to-people thing, I sent a text to a friend I haven't talked to for a few months, but she hasn't responded yet and I don't know if she 1) changed her number, 2) hasn't had a chance to respond yet for whatever reason, or 3) simply didn't receive it because I also attached a giant photo of my cat. It's nice that I'm in a healthy place mentally/emotionally where I'm no longer anxious that not having heard back from someone means that they hate me or don't want to talk to me because I've done something wrong or whatever (because what an awful feeling that is), but I'm still very much the kind of person who starts to get frantically worried if I don't hear from people. So I'll wait a few days and then maybe just send her an e-mail if she doesn't get back to me. XD


I made a new icon! Look at how perfect Bun-chan is!!! I invested in a permanent LJ account back when they were on sale years ago so I have all this icon space that I'm never going to fill up because I'm not good at making icons, but every once in a while I give it a shot and have a new icon to use, and it makes me want to post a journal entry even though I have nothing to talk about except how I texted someone but she hasn't texted me back.

I was chuckling to myself earlier about how I've been sifting through idols I'm obsessed with pretty quickly over the past year, but on some level it seems like a natural arc as I fall into fandoms and dig deeper and watch old stuff with ~new eyes~. Ultimately I've discovered (rediscovered?) a bunch of new (renewed?) people in a bunch of different groups that I love lots and I'm really happy to have so many good people I want to support in Johnny's fandom as a whole.

But it's very very official now. Bun-chan is, in fact, the one for me.


A little happiness: I got a cat shawl from one of those young and hip shops along Takeshita-dori when I visited Japan in December, and I decided to leave it in the office because I can't actually control the temperature in the space. It's currently keeping me warm/protecting me from the evils of the world.
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I've always had a lot of respect for people who actually keep in touch with their friends, so I've been trying to be a little more aggressive about reaching out to people when I think about them. What happens fairly often is that someone will message me and I'll be like, "Hey, I was totally thinking about you the other day! :D" and it feels fake even though it's true (because I think about people randomly all the time), so I'm going to make more of an effort to actually let people know when I'm thinking about them instead of being the one to have to be contacted.

It's hard sometimes, especially when it's been a while and I'm not sure what all to say, but I know from my end it's always nice to hear from old friends even if it's been a long, long time. So I'ma be that person! Wait for me, friends...!


I forgot to include a little happiness in last night's post, so have a few recent ones:

- The other day Boss N told me that he ran into my dad on campus, and naturally I wondered if they actually recognized each other since they'd only met once before. Boss N was like, "Oh yeah, I called him by name and we talked for a few minutes!" That evening my dad mentioned that he ran into Boss N and I was like, "Yeah, he told me you actually recognized each other!" But as it turns out my dad just kept up a conversation for a few minutes while trying to figure out how he knew Boss N, and the only reason he figured it out was because Boss N eventually brought me up in conversation. XD Oh, Pa. I will be forever angry that I inherited the inability to remember where I've met people from you, but you gave me a good laugh that I won't share with Boss N lest it breaks his heart.

- Last night my dad brought home Singaporean noodles and they were mild enough for me to eat without suffering too much.

- I had a 7am tutoring Skype session scheduled with one of my Japanese tutees this morning but she cancelled because she woke up without a voice, so I had an early morning with nothing to do. The fact that I'm happy about this probably makes me a bad tutor but eh.

- I'm listening to this week's 7raji right now, and I'm just really glad that Yamada has grown up in recent years and my feelings about him have turned around. He's still my least favorite in the group (because unfortunately someone has to come last in a ranking), but generally I feel pretty good about his existence these days.
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After nearly two years of scrambling to build and manage a new institute essentially by myself (it's been two bosses and one person who actually does all of the everything), we've finally hired a new guy! And with that I finally got the promotion and raise that had been promised to me at the beginning of the fiscal year last summer, since I finally have someone under me and can finally justify to the compliance powers that be that I deserve a better title since I'm ~no longer buying coffee~ and whatnot. You're now reading the LJ entry of an Assistant Director~

Just in time to get ready for a sooner-than-later move to Japan that very few people know about, oops. XD My bosses know and are happy that I'll be following my dreams, etc., and a few close colleagues know, but mostly the faculty fellows and other staff who've seen me put everything together for the past two years have been congratulating me and thanking me in advance for my hard work in this new position that they're saying I've deserved for so long, and it's a very weird feeling because people are sending me so many happy thoughts while I'm suffocating on my own guilt for wanting so badly to leave.

To specify, I have a tentative/proposed job offer from a company in Nagoya whose president we met when the institute went on a faculty delegation to Japan last December. Over super fancy shabushabu dinner that was so fabulous the cow meat came with a birth certificate, he turned to me and said, "I'm going to hire you," and I was like "lol okay dude" and he was like, "No, I'm serious. :|" Boss N is like my dad and he just wants me to be happy so he talked me up all through dinner, and here I am a couple months later just waiting for an official offer. Details forthcoming, as they're settled.

Was obviously hoping to be with Massiel 5ever in Tokyo so she could stress out my cat and we could share a shoe collection, but Nagoya is sufficiently between Tokyo and my heart's real hometown, Osaka, so I'll make visits when I can to see all the faces (celebrity and otherwise) that I love.


Speaking of which, my Twitter these days has been bogged down, for better or for worse, by a whole gaggle of Kansai children. These folks I've peripherally known of/followed for years have in the past few months swallowed me whole, and now I'm desperately, irrevocably in a bad way with Bun-chan. I added him to my tessellating Nino/Pikachu background today and I feel like there's nowhere else to go but down into the soul-crushing depths of actual love in a way I never love celebrities. Recently Brigit tortured us with a renewed favorite Johnny's ranking, and when I was asked where Bun-chan would fit (because he's a Junior and thus not included in the ranking of debuteds) I realized he actually, literally, for real real wouldn't fit anywhere since no one has ever made me feel the way he does -- not even Nino, who has defined who I am and shaped me as an individual and been so, so important to me that he will always and forever be my Favorite. Even so, even so, Bun-chan is the first ever in this strange new category of indescribable feelings and it seems like I have no choice but to let myself sink into them.

So here I am. What am I supposed to do with myself? What have you done to me, Bun-chan?? D:

We'll continue to report on this story as it unfolds.
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Last night I took a jump rope, some free weights, and the mysterious exercise ball that I'm 90% sure William and I found left in our summer apartment nearly seven years ago, and I lugged them down into the cold, unfinished basement to spend a few minutes moving. There's a stationary bike down there, too, poached from some neighbors who, for reasons that quickly became apparent to us, decided it was a piece of junk they were willing to shoo away for $5.

I subsequently fell asleep curled up on the couch in a bundle of Pokémon blanket, and I've spent today sore, either with the strain of unexpected exercise (because while I move my legs to run I rarely move anything else) or the weight of the poor decision I'd made to try at all.


I'm enjoying writing about my life in long form and it's resulting in this strange attempt at dryly humorous prose. I'm sure soon enough I'll transition back into my noisily erratic emoticon-ridden spurts of nonsense.


Today's little happiness: I did my taxes wooooo. I actually enjoy the tax-filing process because I'm at heart a process logician but I never get to play much with numbers. :<
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My phone does this thing where if one file in a directory has an image attached to it, that image infects the directory and becomes the "album image" for all of the files inside. It isn't so bad when the directory is actually an album with an album cover that should be attached to those files, but when it's a headshot of a random middle-aged woman that was associated with a radio show file that then becomes associated with the 250+ backlogged radio show files I have in that directory, it means that I'll be staring at this random woman for a very long time until I make it through the entire directory.

At some point she'll become warm and familiar, like a dear friend watching over me, and when I finally get through the entire directory and clear it out I'll find that my life is a little emptier without her smiling face, but for now she makes me incredibly uncomfortable and I nearly drop my phone every time I look at the screen while listening to music and her face is staring straight back at me.


Tonight I went to a (free! delightfully free) concert that I wasn't planning on going to. It took some time for me to warm up to one of my office suitemates who, upon first encounter, struck me as relentlessly direct and unfriendly, but over time I found that she was interested in engaging with me as a peer and was happy to discuss any commonalities we found -- including, as it turns out, classical music. I ran into her in the back room at the end of the day when she was lamenting that she couldn't go to a Wagner/Debussy vocal performance at the university's performing arts center, and she asked me if I was interested in European classical music and I mentioned that I happened to be a classical violinist by training. So she trotted me back to her office to look up details about the concert, and right then and there she called the box office for me and let me reserve a free ticket under my name.

At first I was reluctant to go because I'm the kind of person who wants to stay at home forever, but in the interest of good will toward this suitemate -- and, yes, appreciation for classical music -- I went and had a nigh-spiritual jolly old time. I'm not so arrogant as to believe that music has more of an effect on me as someone who identifies as a musician -- that's unfair and untrue (and that's the very magic of music) -- but I would wager that I've at least had more opportunities than many to directly engage with and reflect upon the role music plays in my life. So it was nice to sit for a short and intimate program and spend an hour appreciating just how much music means to me.

Between the two I prefer Debussy because he so masterfully straddles the line between delicate and desolate, and all you can do is let it unravel you.


That was supposed to be my little happiness for the day but all the words I had about music made it big and ruined everything! So my little happiness is the fact that I updated my LJ profile yesterday (since my last profile's table coding got messed up with the LJ revamp and needed to be redone) and I still quite like it today. It strikes the perfect balance between friendliness, pretentiousness, and thinks-she's-clever-ness that defines me as a human being.
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It's been a long, long time since I've updated this thing, and while I still check my f-list several times a day, I think I've forgotten how nice it feels just to talk about myself into the ether to the handful of ears still roaming around.

I've been trying to be more health-conscious (more mentally and emotionally than physically, because at least physically I have a sense of what I need to achieve my goals even if I'm not actually doing a damn thing), and one of the things I've been working on is being in a healthy, happy headspace -- cutting out bad thoughts about myself and about other people, trying to be less judgmental and more open to appreciating the good around me.

Anyone who's following me on Twitter knows that my Johnny's a la mode is Johnny's WEST's Hama-chan, who is, behind all the panic and absurdity, an Inocchi-level sweet dude and good person. Hama-chan ends his Jweb entries with that quote attributed to Mother Teresa about how you should be careful of your thoughts because they become words become actions become habits become destiny; the way Hama-chan lives his life so, so conscious of and grateful for the people around him -- so that he can look back on each day without regrets, so that he can be glad that he said or did the things he said or did to the people he encountered -- is very much the kind of day-to-day I aspire to in my own life. I can't say that I'm there yet because I'm still a douchebag on a daily basis even to my closest friends, even if in my head it comes from a place of love and concern but out loud it's criminally insensitive, but it's nice to know that there are people out there who do live up to that ideal. Hama-chan makes me want to be a better person -- all my idols do -- and isn't that just wonderful?

A small happiness to end this post with: a while back I saw some Pokémon figurines at Target, purportedly from some Pokémon board game I didn't know existed, and I saw a pack that had Wobbuffet in it. Wobbuffet is for whatever reason my brother's internet "persona" -- all of his Twitter icons have been various states of Wobbuffet -- so I bought the pack and put the little Wobbuffet figurine on his computer to wait for him to come back from class. Neither of us ever brought it up -- though I know he knows it was from me because my parents wouldn't know what it means -- but after some time he changed his Twitter icon to a photo of the figurine, and that's about as much acknowledgment as I need.

Looking forward to being back on LJ. Talk to you again soon, friends. ♥
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For any Toma fans on my f-list!

Bokura no Jidai [2014.02.09]



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HQ: 1280x720, 599mb
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Oshareism [2014.02.09]



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All files re-encoded by me. Mirrors welcome!

Original source: himawaringo
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Every year I don't remember whether I'm the type of person who makes new year's resolutions (and it's less about what I feel like doing and more about whether or not I did in the past, because if nothing else, I'm that kind of person who hates being inconsistent), but typically in my heart I enjoy the opportunity to start fresh and decide, "It's arbitrary, but why not make this a day to tell myself I'll change something?"

Honestly, I make a lot of resolution days, and I never follow through. It'll often be something like "starting next month" or "starting next week" or "starting tomorrow" or even "starting when I get home from work", but nothing really lasts. Apparently it takes 30 consecutive days to make something a habit; I've yet to reach that with anything.

But! Ever the optimist, here are my resolutions for whenever I'm able to start them and stick with them and not get frustrated or dejected if I miss a day or two or several:

1. Keeping in better contact with friends.

This is just something I'm bad at doing. I think about people all the time, but I never take that extra step to let them know, and how will they know if I don't say anything? Keeping in better contact with people and keeping lines of communication open will be a lifelong project, but I guess now's a time to work on it. This includes eventually -- gulp -- going back to Tumblr full time.

2. Being more time-efficient.

There are a lot of little pockets in my day that I don't spend doing anything productive. And I have so much that I want to consume and produce that it's really silly for me to sit around for the ten minutes in the morning before we leave, not doing anything. I could be reading! I could be writing something! I could be moving my body a little! I have a lot of goals I want to achieve, but none of it will happen if I don't make a conscious effort to change the way I spend my time. So from now on I'll try to be less distracted and live more fruitful days.

I'm also going to try to post more on DW/LJ for real, so sorry that this first post is so dry. XD
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New year's olog, except that I barely address my current events or the new year. Excuse the face and the low quality; I hadn't realized it was such a low resolution when I was recording it, and I was too lazy to redo it, so. XD

video201401050001 from Inez S. on Vimeo.



Anyway, yes, happy new year, everyone! I'll try to be better about posting here (though please follow me on Twitter if that's your game), so please keep me in your favor this year as well. ♥
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I've been in a weird dumpy mood since the weekend. I partly blame the weather over the weekend, because while I'm actually very weak to and hate being in sunshine, I like the existence of sunshine itself, and I guess Saturday was a drearier day than I needed at that point. I was driving and thinking, and I felt the sudden urge to not be driving and thinking anymore, if you know what I mean, but I figured that was bad form since I was driving to a friend's place for pizza. XD.

Mostly, especially in conjunction with where I was headed -- to meet a friend! -- it got me thinking about how unfair it is that I get so anxious and afraid of being irrelevant and unimportant in other people's lives. On some level it's really self-absorbed and rude and inconsiderate of me to feel so anxious about it because, frankly, I make friends really easily, and when I have my head on straight, I do feel like I do a good job of connecting with people and contributing to their lives. So what right do I have as someone who can and does build relationships with a lot of great people to be fussing over feeling disconnected and irrelevant when so many other people have a harder time than I even forging those friendships in the first place? I dunno. Makes me feel like a tool for even having this kind of anxiety, but I'm guessing that's also the anxiety talking. XD.

And then on a more basic level, it's completely bizarre and idiotic for me to be even worrying about this, given everything I have that I just can't seem to appreciate. Ahh so tiresome.
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I've had "LJ/DW update" on my task list for such a long time now, but I keep not doing it, so here's the shimmy shake lowdown on what my life is like right now:

I got things. )

I'm going to try to post more to LJ/DW because it is nice to be able to sit down and talk about myself in long paragraphs, but if you aren't already, I invite you to follow me on Twitter and/or Tumblr (usually I have a queue going, but I've let it run dry, and the thought of getting on Tumblr makes me really anxious right now so I haven't been back to refill it), where you can keep up with me more regularly/immediately. I know y'all are that interested in my life. :D

I hope you're having a happy day! ♥
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I have what I'd characterize as a focused and obsessive personality. What that means in general is that I'm very stubborn about quitting in the middle of things, so I rack up long, long to-do lists that I can't get going because I need to do them in a particular order (and stalling at one point halts the entire process). What that means in terms of daily interaction is that I get incredibly focused on specific things I'm doing, and I tune out everything else (which is why sometimes it takes a very long time for me to respond to IMs if I'm working on something else, even if it's on the computer, because I don't have room in my brain to respond to anything else until I've reached a good stopping point). Extend that to interactions in person, and if something grabs my attention in a forceful way (a loud or sudden noise, something coming into my line of vision that wasn't there before, basically any kind of shift in my spatial understanding of my surroundings), I get really startled. Like, intensely, jump-out-of-my-chair-and-yelp startled. I'm really into a sensory status quo, so when something appears that I'm not expecting, even if it's coming from far away and isn't affecting me, it throws me off. (Some people (Will) have used this to their advantage and just stood where they weren't supposed to just to scare me, and those people are, frankly, the worst.)

I remember one day in college when I was thinking about something with my door open, Will came walking into my room where I was looking, but I didn't notice him. I saw him, but his presence didn't register because I was concentrating on something else and my brain wouldn't make the connection. So when I finally did notice him, actually comprehend that he was approaching me, he was already a yard or so into my room. I yelped, and he moped, "You were looking straight at me." And I was, see, but that didn't mean I'd allocated enough of my consciousness to understand what it meant.

Another time, a bunch of us were standing in the hall talking, and I'd heard Gabe's voice in the conversation, but I hadn't actually looked at him yet. I ended up looking up and seeing him there -- he'd been there the entire time -- and for whatever reason I hadn't registered that the Gabe voice was coming from the Gabe person, and I was so startled that people came running from downstairs to make sure I was okay.

There's no point to this entry. It's just something really curious (and I'd like to think endearing) about my personality. It makes multitasking difficult only inasmuch as I get really irritated when I have to stop in the middle of something; I'm organized enough to be able to keep track of everything I need to do, so it all gets done. I just like working on one thing at a time, given the option.
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After talking to my parents, I've come to the decision to stick around at home for a little more -- try to find a job at the university, maybe (because it's easiest to work here), and live at home and save up money. It'll give me the time to really get together a fund for whenever I'm ready to move out for good. In the meantime, I'm going to try to see if I can't find some freelance translation work to do on the side of whatever full-time job I have, so that I'm developing those skills that I want to use in the future.

Part of me finds it incredibly frustrating to have finished an advanced degree and to come home and still be dependent on my parents, but I do think this'll be a good opportunity to save up money and make the necessary preparations for being truly financially independent when the time comes. My worry, of course, is that I'll be stuck at home working at a university I don't like in a community that has nothing in the way of how I want to develop my career, but free room and board is pretty great, and the prospect of having enough money that I won't constantly be worrying about how to pay for basic necessities is enticing. That's the kind of equilibrium I want to establish earlier than later (and frankly something I need a lot of practice at).

I had impromptu lunch with my boss (who at times becomes my mentor) today, and she mentioned another aspect of staying at home that I really hadn't considered before: Being at home would give me the opportunity to get to know my parents as adults, and to develop an adult-to-adult relationship with them that I wouldn't have been able to when I was younger. I think that'd be a really wonderful thing to develop with them, because off on my own, I'm known to not contact them for months at a time. I guess I'll see what I can soak up while I'm here.

So yeah, cautiously optimistic about staying at home. Still hoping the staying part doesn't last too long, because I really want a job doing something I like. Also, a cat. :<
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So let's talk about "Snape Syndrome" (arbitrarily named it myself; do you like it?), the last-minute ~redemption~ of an otherwise despicable character. I've named it after Snape because it's a famous enough example that many people understand what I mean specifically even if they haven't read Harry Potter to the end. For those unfamiliar, what happens is that after six and a half books of being an actually mean, horrible person to Harry and Co., Snape's backstory is revealed and we learn something that flips everything we knew about what he did on its head and makes him out to be ~the good guy we never knew he was~. And I'm not knocking Snape as a fictive character -- I think he's really fascinating, before and after the reveal -- but what ends up happening is this starry-eyed extrapolation about how everything he did was with secret good intentions, as if it absolves and erases how legitimately terrible he was (spoiler alert: it doesn't; he was actually a jerk).

I've seen this a lot in Japanese dramas. (It probably exists in other media, but I'm going to be clear right now that my consumption of shows that aren't Japanese is incredibly limited.) I'm not sure why it's such a trend, but so, so often when there's a character that's set up pretty blatantly as the antagonist who does evil, manipulative things, the character is brought back near or at the end of the series with some sob story or change of heart, all wrongdoings are forgiven, and everyone lives happily ever after. Like, I'm all about making sympathetic antagonists with complicated motivations and nuanced growth, but I've seen enough of the Snape Syndrome that it's come to feel gratingly disingenuous.

And I get it -- fiction is idealized anyway, and there's probably some kind of practical aspect like not wanting to sully actors' reputations with tried-and-true terrible characters -- but it's still really irritating. It feels like no one's willing to recognize that sometimes people are terrible to other people -- not even that they're terrible people at their core (though uh sometimes these characters are super bad people, and they're still redeemed?), but that they're terrible in relation to the protagonists, that they should be held responsible for their actions, that sometimes they shouldn't and can't be truly absolved of what they did. Snape Syndrome sets up this worldview in which people should be forgiven (or at least sympathized with) for doing horrendous things just because there's something going on behind it or because they've turned things around at the very end, and I just don't think it's what's useful or healthy for everyone. I really, really appreciate and personally practice trying to understand where other people are coming from and recognizing that they have their own demons, but it's unrealistic and unfair to expect someone who's been hurt to ~forgive and forget~ when there isn't any contrition or real acknowledgment of the hurt caused, just a shrug and a flippant apology and an "I'm messed up, too".

There isn't much of a point to this post (as usual~), but I just finished a series in which the antagonist is so terrible I considered giving up on the series because I couldn't stand him, but gets Snape Syndrome right at the end and it's like :| :| :| and I'm like :| :| :| and I just had a lot of feelings to get out.
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Happy new year! And Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it, and happy Thanksgiving (though just the US version), etc. etc. etc.

At some point there was just so much to write about that I got overwhelmed by all of the things I haven't yet said on LJ, because even after all this time, even though the journalsphere has more or less dried up in favor of less formal, more immediate forms of communication and interaction, I still feel like big life moments aren't official until I've written about them on my journal.

So, here's a rundown of Inez's life over the last few months in no particular order, Color by Number edition:

1. Got a temp job at the university processing applications to the graduate school, lasting till mid-February. A little mindless and slow aside from randomly SUPER BUSY DAYS, but I don't dislike it. (blue and gold)
2. Looking for a job having to do with Japanese. Found some recruiter leads in the Chicagoland area, but nothing definite. (green)
3. Still hate living with my parents. (red)
4. Patched up the hole I punched in the wall, though! (white on yellow)
5. Went to Kino's wedding in November and it was lovely. (rainbow; barefoot future)
6. Super excited for the new Sailor Moon anime. (crystal)
7. Saw a therapist a few times for anxiety and other issues; slowly but surely working on things. (almost clear)

OH AND a few things that I guess I never actually mentioned on my LJ but are pretty big: Japan happened in August (IT WAS GREAT if a little frustrating because my brother is pretty annoying about some things); moving back home (which was implied but never explicit) happened in September; my birthday happened in October. I think that's it?

Anyway, I'm in the process of teasing productivity into my schedule. It's kind of hard to want to do anything when I come home tired from work (effing adulthood, how does it work?!), but I do have lots of things I want to do. Writing! Reading! Self-studying! But I guess as with anything else, one thing at a time~
ltgmars: (Default)
Last night, after a particularly nasty argument with my mom, I broke my nearly 25-year streak of never having punched a hole in a wall.

It's not like we have a bad relationship. )


In somewhat big news, I've decided not to go back to school right away (well, "right away" at this point was including this gap year). I was e-mailing UCLA professors for letters of rec, and one of them (the one who'd seen most of my breakdown and had escorted me to the counseling center a number of times) asked me if I was sure this is what would make me happy. And while I do feel like academics -- the reading, the learning, the dissecting -- is something I'm good at, and what makes me happy, his question got me thinking about whether I'm really ready to keep going right now, like this.

I had too much going on outside of school that I wasn't able to enjoy and appreciate that I was doing something I really enjoyed, and so much of it turned into a numb through-the-motions. It'd really be a waste to go on to a longer, more rigorous program and just putz out in the same way just because I'm not ready to dive in and give it the attention it deserves. So in the meantime, I've decided to really look for career-type jobs and maybe see if there's something else out there for me, either temporarily while I sort out the rest of what's going on with me, or even permanently if I find something that fits me better than academics might.

Who knows, really? I've never not been in school, you know? But I've also been emotionally stable throughout that time, and while I know I'll feel really unfulfilled if I'm not learning and researching something, maybe there's some other way for me to get my fill that isn't such a drain on me when I've also got things going on on the side. Or maybe I'll spend a few years working and realize that yeah, I want to be in academics after all. That's okay, too! Plenty of people start Ph.D. programs in their 30s or beyond, after they've gotten the opportunity to really think about it and come to know and appreciate that it's what they want. There's no reason for me to rush and not really explore other options just because I think I'm sure now, kind of thing.

On that note, I'm going to start a more extensive job search, probably outside of South Bend because there's, like, negative two Japanese communities around here at which I could actually put my degree to use. Philadelphia is an obvious romping ground to look into (Haas, feel free to let the fellas know), as well as Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, and possibly New York if I can find a fancy enough job to sustain me. If any of you folks around those cities have ideas of places that might want me, give me a holler, yeah?
ltgmars: (Default)
I've been itching to write something here for the past few days now, but every time I think about it, I realize I have too much to say and nothing to say all at once.

This is a dramatic and jumbled-up depression post. )
ltgmars: (Default)
I haven't mentioned it here, but a number of you know that my brother and I are Japan trippin' this August! I'm looking for recs for places to see/foods to eat/things to do, approximately on the following schedule, so if there are any must-sees you can think of, lay 'em on me. For you Japan-side folks, if you're around these parts at these times and you wouldn't mind a quick meal/whatever with me (and my awkward but well-meaning brother), I'd love to meet up. :D

Here's what our schedule looks like, because my brother is much more ambitious about getting around to everywhere than I think is realistic:

AUGUST

09 (R) - arrive Thursday night

10-11 (F-S) - Tokyo

12 (Su) - Nagoya

13-14 (M-T) - Kyoto

15-16 (W-R) - Osaka

17 (F) - Hiroshima

18 (S) - Yokohama/Tokyo

19-20 (Su-M) - Tokyo, depart Monday afternoon

Let me know what's up where. :3

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Inez

July 2015

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