ltgmars: (Default)
... and now I'm just awake with thoughts. I'm also on Harrison because I needed to download something from Clubbox and Rutherford doesn't have Clubbox installed, and I'm remembering now how much I tactilely love this keyboard. I never made typos on this thing because it could keep up with me. XD.

Anyway, I haven't written a proper entry here for a good while now, and, well. Things never quite look up for me because I always manage to poo on everything and everyone I love and then set fire to it just in case the poo wasn't enough. I suppose some amount of that can be reasonably explained (if not justified, never justified) by the depression, but I can never quite get over this niggling feeling that I'm inherently a bad person, or that even though maybe I didn't mean to be hurtful, deep down that's just who I am.

In my Buddhism class last quarter, the professor once mentioned a notion belonging to one of the branch Buddhist ideologies that between good people and bad people, the worse offenders are the good people, because they're hypocrites -- the bad people are honestly and openly and acknowledgingly bad, but the good people are simply bad people pretending to be good and placing themselves above others.

It's an interesting idea, at least, and I'm not sure how much I buy into it -- because even after some post-Golding philosophizing, I do believe in the inherent goodness in humanity -- but I do wonder sometimes how much of that applies to me. I like to think that I'm a good person, and that I try hard and that mistakes are simply mistakes and that otherwise I'm worth the occasional distress, but what if I'm just a hypocrite? What if I'm masquerading around as a good person, and then when I let out some of my badness I get doubly upset because I've so thoroughly deceived myself into believing in my own postured goodness? These days all I see is the distress and the discomfort and the pain I cause, and even though I never feel that way about other people, the entire set of all-encompassing negatives applies to me. What if it's taken a couple dozen years for me to finally come to terms with that part of me -- that badness -- and what if all the people around me are the actual good people, taking pity and making sacrifices and giving, giving, giving so much of themselves with nothing reciprocal to show for it? I'd like to think it not true, but the thought makes me dreadfully uncomfortable. I don't want to be ungrateful for kindness, and I don't want to take people for granted, but how can I possibly make up for all of the times people have taken care of me, in a way that's fair and truly equal? I can't, I don't think, and that's where my potential goodness falls apart. There isn't enough of it in me to make up for the rest of it.

There are a number of things that exacerbate my condition, and I think one of them is my utter, physical revulsion at redundancy. This applies to a lot of different things, some more consequential than others, but I do think it also applies to my attitude about who I am and who I should be. I hate being a part of the crowd. I hate feeling like I don't serve some specific and uniquely productive/affirming purpose. It's not good enough for me to just exist; I have to make some kind of difference, and feel like I'm making some kind of difference, that I'm a name and a face that stands out, instead of just a number. I like the idea of simple existence making a difference, of course, but again, I apply it to all of the people in my life except myself. My exceptionality in my own mind is of the most dangerous and destructive nature.

Not looking for reassurance and whatnot (though I do appreciate that you all think of me, think of me fondly, when we've said goodbye, etc.). Just had things rolling around in my head that I wanted to write out, for once.
ltgmars: (Default)
The NINOMIYA Exchange
because everyone loves Nino


I'm exchange pimping all up in everyone's faces, so sorry if you've seen this five times already. But! Two days left to sign up for NinoEx! Do it, do it, etc.

Hahhhh one last pimp on the comm itself, and I think that's it. I've worked hard today.
ltgmars: (Default)
Haas: I've been stalking this guy at the art museum.
Inez: Is he, shall I say, a work of art?
Haas: He's certainly left an impression... a modern one!


Thanks to everyone who left comments or sent messages or otherwise showed your love after my last post. And thanks to those of you who read it but didn't know what to say, and to those of you who maybe didn't read it but who would have been upset to know that I'm not happy. You all are very dear to me, and it's nice to know -- whether it's explicitly said or not -- that there are people out there who return those feelings.

Things haven't changed much in the last few days (months), and I'm sure there'll be plenty of rough spots to smooth out even after I'm done with my degree, but I'm going to try to be positive, and try to forgive myself for the times when I fail or when I'm bad to people, to find comfort in knowing that all I ever do is try my best, and all I ever hope to be is good to people.

So there's hope, yes. And somehow, even where I am in my head now, I'm still the optimist I've always been. When I do fall, though, and when I find it harder than usual to pick myself back up, please keep me in your favor. ♥
ltgmars: (Default)
TW: suicidal thoughts... again )


Yo, school has sucked. I actually shouldn't be in school right now, being as numb as I am, but the Japanese students need me, apparently, so I'm going to finish off this quarter and be done with my Master's and take a break and hopefully be able to find it in me to love what I do again, in my year off.

Ah, yes. I suppose I haven't informed most of you on that -- I'm finishing this quarter, and then taking a year off to work or teach or sit at home or something, and then heading into whatever Ph.D. program will accept me (none). All that stands in the way is a week and a half, and approximately 70 pages between three research papers, none of which I've even done real research for because, funnily enough, I don't give a shit.
ltgmars: ([gg] luke/lorelai ~ winter)
Merry Christmas and happy holidays to my lovely f-list! I hope you've been able to enjoy whatever it is you celebrate or don't celebrate around this time of year, or at the very least enjoy a day or two off from work/school. :3

This morning we did the usual family present-trading. I woke up around 11am (it's 8am on the west coast, okay?) and finished wrapping all three presents I had to wrap (which, by the way, is better than what my brother managed to do, because he didn't even bother to wrap anything). We aren't a gift-heavy family, and there isn't usually anything I want that I don't get myself, but it's still really lovely to participate in the exchanging and to know that I've maybe gotten something nice and useful/happy-making for my family. The received gift I'm perhaps most excited about is a DVD box set from my brother called Essential Classics: Musicals which includes My Fair Lady, Singin' in the Rain, and Gigi. I do love musicals. He also got me a pepper spray keychain, which, I don't know. It's pink?

It's been more or less relaxed here, though my mom likes to pile on the family fun, which gets tiresome sooner than later. Though! She really, really spoils us around this time of year, and though I get tired out quickly, I can't say I mind~


Some major/movie highlights since I've come home, in reverse chronological order because I can:

- On Friday we went to see The Adventures of Tintin, which was so so so lovely as a Tintin fan. My dad used to sit my brother and me down and read the comics to us (which, of course, we didn't realize are as questionable as they are when we were children), and it was so fantastic to see all of these old characters from my childhood come to life so vividly and so perfectly on screen. It's a great movie on its own and I think anyone who enjoys fun/easy adventure movies would enjoy it, but it's particularly great for old fans of the comic. I say yes: would watch again.

- On Wednesday I spent the day with Chele, and she did a number on my nails. How great are they, seriously? *_* Ahh, it's always nice to see her. ♥

- And last Sunday the family saw Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows, which is, yes, better than the first, which is saying a lot as someone who saw the first in theatres three times. RDJ and Jude Law's chemistry is really delightful, and I love that Jude Law dislikes the word "bromance" as much as I do.

Beyond that, I've just been sitting around, mostly. I have a lot a lot I want to get done over break, and now I have less than a week! before I head back to LA, but in the meantime I'll hopefully get some reading and writing and relaxing in.

How are you all? Tell me everything. (chinhands) I hope you've been having lovely days. ♥
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ dino)
On the recent LJ mayhem: I'm not "jumping ship", as they say, because I have a permanent account here, and I'm optimistic about the one-of-these-days option of the old-version comment pages coming to us. But since it seems to be a thing, I suppose I'll let you all know that my Dreamwidth account is, in fact, ltgmars. I've had it sitting around for a long time without using it, but if people are actually going to start posting there, I'll do my best to cross-post and keep up over there.

So yeah, if that's your thing, or you feel like that might be your thing at some point, add me. :3


... real post at some point, I promise.
ltgmars: ([k8] subaru ~ yps)
Firstly, to those of you who happened to catch my post from last night, thank you for reaching out. It was a terrible night made worse by academic/life burnout, but I'm really okay and usually quite the opposite of how I was when I wrote that entry. But regardless, I'm really grateful that I have people who take care of me, so again, thank you. ♥


Question: How is The Hunger Games different from Battle Royale? This isn't a diss or anything; I'm legitimately curious. It just seems like the overarching premise is the same (though the way they get there is different, I suppose). But I've heard such good things about The Hunger Games. Can someone explain how they're different?


And a meme that I didn't realize I would get tagged for (damn you, Ashley...):

Five Things Meme )


We're at the end of the quarter here. I have to finish up some stuff, and then I'm at home for a couple of weeks, which'll be nice. I really, really need a break right now. Meanwhile, it's been quiet on my LJ, but I do still read your entries. :D I suppose I'll write up things on San Diego/Philadelphia/Oakland/San Diego at some point... one of these days.
ltgmars: ([arashi] stone)


Those of you who've been around for a while might remember last year's Lucky Man Challenge, where we voted on which Arashi concert is best based on the performance of "Lucky Man" alone. This time I wanted to give it a try with "Fight Song", one of my personal favorites and, according to listeners of Jun's radio show, fans' second favorite coupling song, after "Still..."

Based on Nino's original composition, with lyrics put together by Arashi, in concert this song ends up being the one where they do the least singing and the most messing around. And who doesn't love Arashi messing around?

Below the cut you'll find every officially recorded performance of "Fight Song", with all of the antics and tomfoolery intact. If you've got 27 minutes, give them a listen -- and more importantly a look-see -- and help decide which version comes out on top!

Fight Song Challenge )
ltgmars: ([fmp] kaname ~ ergh)
I always do those things where I say, "I'm going to post every day! Every day!" And I usually end up pooping out in the middle of the post announcing it. But eh, it's because my life just kind of floats along. Nothing really big to tell. I suppose I'll strive to tell of the little somethings instead.

A recent chat with Armay will sum up the past couple of weeks:

Inez: Anyway, how have you been
Inez: Ergh.
Inez: That was supposed to be extended.
Inez: Like beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen.
Armay: hahah ive been shit, but good
Armay: you?
Inez: Ahaha about the same.

And then some. )

Uh, I think this entry has been long and gross, and no one cares about school logistics, but just in case you're really bored and you want to mindlessly read some nonsense, I will be happy to deliver.


Next time on Inez's LJ: My trips to San Diego and Philadelphia! And, if I post a long enough time from now (which I probably will, let's be honest), Oakland as well!

お楽しみに!
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ over the shoulder)
It's been a funny summer for me. It's been a funny year for me, really. I have an epic's worth of baggage and feelings that I half really want to get into and half don't want to touch. I'm probably far from completely over it, but I'm trying to start fresh for the new school year, so here's my last hoorah, as brief as possible:

I think I'm a good person, but I realize I've been bad to people, intentionally or not. I've seen myself slip, become the worst version of myself, and I regret every moment of it -- we all make mistakes, and I'm happy to own up to mine and to learn from them. But the one thing that I can be confident in saying is that I always have tried, always will try, to be good to people. Sometimes I fail, but I try in everything I do, with everyone I'm in contact with (even if I'm not the best of friends with people, even when people don't think the things I'm doing are good things). My hope is that everyone tries to be good to people, because I truly believe that's something everyone's capable of.

I have a dozen other things I could say -- about the nature of internet caricatures and about the difference between venting and shit-talking and about my policy on confrontation (the good-connotation kind, the Haverfordian kind, with dialogues and mutual understanding and being honest about things that upset us and hoping that confrontation enhances relationships instead of souring them) -- but I told myself I'd be brief, and that's the main thing I wanted to get at. All I can ever do is try to be good to people, and all I can ever hope is that everyone does the same.


Now that that's out of the way, I suppose I can start to turn toward the future or whatever, so I'll try to get back to posting more regularly. I know you all have missed me.
ltgmars: ([the office] steve (michael) ~ thinking)

Current to-read list for the summer: contemporary Japanese lit for a class I'm sitting in on, Karl Marx's Capital for a summer reading group, more thorough read-throughs of Tsubaki Ayana's and Haruna Ai's memoirs.


Many of you know the drill. Every summer I ask for book recs from my f-list, and every summer I get through exactly 0 of the recommended books. But! I love getting book recs, and I have them all in a giant list, waiting for the day (which will never come~) when I can finally sit down and dig my way through them all. The fact that the recommendations came from my friends makes it doubly nice, because I love being reminded of all of the great people in my life.

</hokey>


So please join in again this year:

If you had to recommend ONE BOOK for me to read this summer, what would it be (and why)? Just one. I will accept series if they're directly related, but otherwise, just one.

Is there something you've read recently that really made an impression on you? Something that you read every single year and still grow from? Something fun and simple that you think I'd enjoy? Let me hear it.

Please please please~
ltgmars: (Default)

110603-180911.wmv from Inez S. on Vimeo.


Vimeo video description: The song I sing in the video does not belong to me. The shame does, though.
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ abunai)


(Animated gif unrelated, but I rewatched You've Got Mail (MY FAVORITE MOVIE) recently and it's so charming and Tom Hanks ahhh ♥)

In case you missed it, this past weekend I made it out to Philadelphia for an unwind/rewind/refresh trip! I really, truly wanted to write an entry that just said something like "best weekend I've had in a while" or "I freaking needed this" or "I've missed Suite Awesome" with a gif of me picking my nose or something, and that'd be about accurate, but as it turns out, I do have things to say. It's all blahblah and long-winded and disorganized stream-of-consciousness in which I lose the point a dozen times just to realize I never had one to begin with, so I'm not really expecting you to read it at all or even understand what I'm trying to say if you do. But I just wanted to write it down for posterity. (Posterior? (How often do I make this joke? (Often.)))

Of old friends, new journeys, and closure. )

So yeah. Good weekend. :3. Except now I can't pay for rent in two weeks ohgod why am I like this what have I doneeeeee
ltgmars: ([sku] juri ~ adolescence)
and other possibly euphemistic lines: a picture entry.

Five topics, under the sheets~ )
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ over the shoulder)
「こういうふうに思っていたんだなと思える日が来るわけですからね。」
"'So this is how I was feeling.' The day you can feel that way is sure to come, after all."

-Ninomiya Kazunari, from the NHK special program 歌でつなごう, 2011.05.03
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ over the shoulder)
With GANTZ Perfect Answer hitting theatres this Saturday, we've got another navi DVD. It contains spoilers for the first movie and plenty of clips and tidbits from the second, so watch at your own risk!

Table of Contents: )

Download Links:
MU Folder
MF Folder

(I uploaded the split files with romanized titles because HJSplit doesn't really get along with Japanese characters, so people who use that program to join files don't have to worry about renaming them beforehand.)

As always, comments and credit aren't necessary but are appreciated. Enjoy~

I'm...

Apr. 2nd, 2011 19:11
ltgmars: ([v6] inocchi ~ spirit)
. going to make an effort once a month to have a me day. Unplug from the internet, sit, read, think, write. Treat myself to dinner at my favorite Japanese restaurant. Probably not get a drink next time (one drink gets me warm and somewhere between buzzed and drunk (severely vibrating?), you see), but definitely get those fried oysters again. Mmm. Though the waitress needs to learn to card. I'm 23 so it's fine, but it's the principle of the thing.

. mildly upset that taxes are done online now. I like doing things with pen and paper when I can.

. listening to the frat boy in the apartment above mine cough while he smokes. If you don't like coughing, stop getting high. :/

. crazy excited about my JEOW assignment! I've been thinking about what I want to write all day, and I hope it ends up being something my recipient likes, whee~

. also excited about Nino Exchange! I was honestly hoping for 14 participants (two for each day of posting), and we've already passed that (largely thanks to some lovely ladies on my f-list), which is more than I could have asked for! So, you know. I'm pleased. :3. Just think about it... the Nino fic, the Nino fic~

. on the top of the world, looking down on creation~

. (still severely vibrating.)
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ suit)
I just want to say to anyone who friended this LJ for downloads (assuming this is the case because I always get new friend notifs after I've shared something), there's nothing here that you won't also find on relevant communities (presumably the ones you have on your f-list that brought you here in the first place). I don't mind meeting new people if you're here to be friends (if that's you, please do say hello!), but I feel a little deceitful being on people's f-lists when they're expecting something out of it, since all I really do is procrastinate on my homework by complaining about my homework. In fact, as a courtesy to my majority non-fandom f-list, most of my fandom posts are filtered, so literally all you're getting are videos of me making farting noises with my armpits.* I guess some people are into that, in which case... okay. But, you know, if that's not your thang and that's not quite the download you were surfin' for, feel free to take me off your f-list.**

* Not really. I am incapable of making fartpit noises. I've tried in all climates.

** This, of course, does not apply to my mutual friends. I know you're all here for the fartpit noises. Please keep cheering me on. Someday, I'll achieve!! (^0^)/


The NINOMIYA Exchange
because everyone loves Nino


It's happening! Go sign up so that I don't look like the crazy mod who signs up on her own exchange right away. Alissa's already signed up like a BAMF, as has someone not on my f-list, but the more the merrier~ :3.
ltgmars: ([arashi] happiness)
Guys! You guys! I am so content, I can't even explain it. Since my last couple of woeful posts, I've come so far and figured out so much (about people, about who I am, about life~)... It's funny how much can turn around after a meltdown, but things have switched so quickly in the past week. I'm happier than I've been for months. I'm on the road back to being myself, and I love it, because I don't know about you, but I kind of like me. :3.

I had a session with my counselor this morning, and she told me that I have so much stability and clarity and compassion now, and it feels really good. I'm just... really good now. So good. ♥ Now I get to concentrate on being a good friend and a good student and a good person, and ah! I don't know. Ahaha, what is this post, even? I'M JUST HAPPY OKAY.

Though on a more serious note, I feel the need to apologize to all of you. I'm sorry that I've neglected so many of you, and that I've been a bitch to some of you (or a bitch in front of you). I'm sorry for being absent, and for being that fragile kind of burden of a friend when I've been present. More importantly, though, thank you for putting up with me, and for taking care of me, and for thinking of me even when I've been so selfishly caught up in my own thing that I couldn't think of anyone else. I'm really ready to put the past few months behind me, and I hope that you, dear friends old and new, will forgive me for not being me lately, and will come along with me into our bright new future together~

So hokey, I know, but I don't even care. I was singing and dancing along to "Ai Nanda" in the elevator, and... I don't know. Things are great. I'm great. Don't ruin it for me by being weirded out. :|

I love you guys a lot. ♥


... uh. In other news, here's my class schedule for spring quarter? :D? )

Uh, but the main point of everything is that my usual happy self and I have been reunited, and it feels so good~

P.S.

Mar. 22nd, 2011 07:36
ltgmars: ([arashi] nino ~ over the shoulder)
I'm okay.

Well, I'm not, but I will be.

Harrison was the first to talk to me after my post last night. Like a boss. ♥ The first of a dozen, because my friends are amazing. A dozen out of a hundred who're thinking of me even if I can't hear it.

I can honestly say right now that I love each and every one of you. Just keep being you, yeah?

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Inez

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