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[personal profile] ltgmars
I've been itching to write something here for the past few days now, but every time I think about it, I realize I have too much to say and nothing to say all at once.

I suffer from depression! That is a thing that is real and happening to me, that I've talked about here and elsewhere. I'm headed back to Indiana mid-September, at which point I'm going to try to find a therapist to work with, but in the meantime I'm in this unsettled limbo of having anxieties and acting out and then feeling bad about acting out and then overthinking all of the above. I feel like I'd be proud of the advanced level of overthinking I achieve -- people have told me that it's impressively terrible -- if it weren't so nauseating to live through every day. I keep having these awful metaphysical experiences in which I don't believe I am who I am, in which I'm anxious about the things that feel natural to me, in which I don't believe I really could have been acting without some ulterior motive when I was kind to X or I happily answered Y's question because it's so ingrained in me that I can't possibly be a compassionate, affirming, positive person even though when I act in such a way it's what possibly feels natural... Because it can't be! I'm just acting in a stage role of Inez the Good Person. And what does it mean -- what does it really mean -- that I have that moment of feeling like it's good and natural before I come to my senses, and how terrible is it that I'm so fake and deceptive, and whom am I trying to prove myself to, and what anxiety is making me put on this face and feel like this fake kindness is natural and real, etc. etc. etc., add twenty spirals; it's hard to explain.

I'm not one for resolutions because the break is so sharp and scarily clean sometimes -- you can have pledged to do this or that every day, and you can feel great about it until the point when you miss it one day, and then you just. Give up.

But I'm just going to write this out here, because I need to put it somewhere:

I want to engage in the on-going process of being good to myself, of remembering that I'm a good person with some messed up stuff going on, that I, like all people, make mistakes sometimes. I want to try to be less bothered by what other people do or say (because it isn't my business how they conduct their lives as long as they aren't hurting others) and to forgive myself when I am bothered (because sometimes people just aren't compatible in every way). I want to not let my anxieties get the best of me, throw me into compulsive fretting over things that don't mean what my mind has tricked me into believing.

I want to remind myself that my worth isn't necessarily determined by anything tangible, and that it won't be lessened by the existence of other people who have different worth exhibited in different tangible and intangible ways. I will be plugged into many people; I will remember that those people are plugged into many people, and that my plugs with those people will still be real and special and important regardless of how many other plugs they have.

I will remember that people want to be with me for a reason, even if I can't comprehend it myself, and that this is yet another thing that other people do that I shouldn't concern myself with. As long as they believe they aren't hurting themselves by being with me (regardless of how I feel), and as long as I'm doing my best not to hurt them and being earnest and repentant when I do, we're doing okay. We'll be okay.

I'll be okay.


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