ltgmars: (Default)
[personal profile] ltgmars
Last night, after a particularly nasty argument with my mom, I broke my nearly 25-year streak of never having punched a hole in a wall.

It's not like we have a bad relationship. We get along most of the time (despite what it feels like sometimes, because inevitably the bad parts stick out a lot more than the good ones), but when we're butting heads, frustrations run high, and it becomes blatantly clear where my stubbornness and quick temper come from. Honestly, I feel like she's the only one who brings it out. The only other time that I can think of where I've been so frustrated (with someone else) as to be physically agitated was one summer in college when William was being stubborn about something I was trying to explain -- I don't remember what the conversation was about, but it was outside of a restaurant -- and in the car ride back I had to yell wordlessly and pound my fists against my thighs until I could calm down (which was only a second or two, tops, but it stands out in my memory because that kind of thing never happens with me).

And -- I don't know. I don't like that I have this need for a physical outlet. Thankfully I really am lukewarm and easy-going enough to not need it 99% of the time (Claire once told me that I'm the perfect person to be in a relationship with because I don't get bothered by little things and I can get along with everyone, and while of course lately with my Condition that hasn't been true, I do feel like that's my natural temperament). But that remaining 1% -- the possibility that if pressed I'll physically take my frustrations out on someone -- is really terrifying to me.

Certainly there were a lot of reasons last night escalated the way it did (that I was already really emotional before we started arguing, that any argument with my mother is 1000000x more frustrating than a disagreement I have with anyone else, and that what she refused to listen to was me apologizing -- like, what do you even want from me?), but I know now that it's something to keep in check regardless. I guess this is the kind of thing they make stress balls for, huh? XD

In somewhat big news, I've decided not to go back to school right away (well, "right away" at this point was including this gap year). I was e-mailing UCLA professors for letters of rec, and one of them (the one who'd seen most of my breakdown and had escorted me to the counseling center a number of times) asked me if I was sure this is what would make me happy. And while I do feel like academics -- the reading, the learning, the dissecting -- is something I'm good at, and what makes me happy, his question got me thinking about whether I'm really ready to keep going right now, like this.

I had too much going on outside of school that I wasn't able to enjoy and appreciate that I was doing something I really enjoyed, and so much of it turned into a numb through-the-motions. It'd really be a waste to go on to a longer, more rigorous program and just putz out in the same way just because I'm not ready to dive in and give it the attention it deserves. So in the meantime, I've decided to really look for career-type jobs and maybe see if there's something else out there for me, either temporarily while I sort out the rest of what's going on with me, or even permanently if I find something that fits me better than academics might.

Who knows, really? I've never not been in school, you know? But I've also been emotionally stable throughout that time, and while I know I'll feel really unfulfilled if I'm not learning and researching something, maybe there's some other way for me to get my fill that isn't such a drain on me when I've also got things going on on the side. Or maybe I'll spend a few years working and realize that yeah, I want to be in academics after all. That's okay, too! Plenty of people start Ph.D. programs in their 30s or beyond, after they've gotten the opportunity to really think about it and come to know and appreciate that it's what they want. There's no reason for me to rush and not really explore other options just because I think I'm sure now, kind of thing.

On that note, I'm going to start a more extensive job search, probably outside of South Bend because there's, like, negative two Japanese communities around here at which I could actually put my degree to use. Philadelphia is an obvious romping ground to look into (Haas, feel free to let the fellas know), as well as Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, and possibly New York if I can find a fancy enough job to sustain me. If any of you folks around those cities have ideas of places that might want me, give me a holler, yeah?

Date: 2012-10-30 22:47 (UTC)
l_elfie: (Default)
From: [personal profile] l_elfie
oh geez. ♥♥♥ man, when i used to get super frustrated and didn't know how to deal, i would...break things. so i know that feel. it is the worst. :(

but also i am excited that you are thinking of taking some time for a career! and i wish i knew of anything to help XD crossing my fingers selfishly for san francisco, but i hope you end up somewhere that you find engaging and invigorating ♥


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