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ltgmarsIt's really scary to me when I realize that the only reason I haven't killed myself is because of my feelings of obligation toward other people. Something that's embedded quite deep within me is a really keen empathy for other people, and for other people's feelings, and sometimes when I think about how nice it would be to not be here anymore, I'll think about the aftermath, about the people left behind -- I'll think about the people I report to, both professionally and personally, and the thought that all these people in my life that I care about would be so incredibly upset ends up being the thing that hurts the most. And frankly, I'm grateful that I can feel anything at all -- because sometimes when I've felt so much exhaustion and frustration and self-loathing, the bottom drops out and I'm floating in this sea of feeling nothing whatsoever -- but it really does scare me that I personally have nothing to live for, and no other reason to live right now than to not make other people upset.
It's an effective way of keeping me alive, for sure, because my sense of duty to other people is really incredible, but it's rather upsetting that my wanting to stay alive has nothing to do with me or anything I find good in my life that wins over everything else.
I had a conversation with my counselor the other day (and yes, I'm seeing one, and it's actually quite fun because after a few sessions we realized it's much more effective for me to intellectualize myself as an object of study than it is for me to talk about feelings as feelings; what an academic, this one) in which we identified one of the main difficulties I have: I hold myself up to an impossible, almost inhuman standard -- in terms of both excelling in what I do and being a good person -- and it's supremely upsetting to me when I realize I'm not what I think I am, what I expect myself to be. I hate that I'm not the person I feel like I should be, that I'm imperfect in so many ways, that I get jealous and frustrated and angry and annoyed and upset, that I'm stubborn, that I dislike people, that I'm burned out and I can't focus and I don't enjoy things the way I'm supposed to enjoy them. I want to be this magnificent person, so good, so understanding and forgiving, so centered, so driven and passionate, making such a huge difference in people's lives and in the world. And then I'm not, and I get so mad at myself, and I judge myself and wonder why it is I'm as worthless as I am. And then I go even further and judge myself for judging myself, because who the hell am I to expect so much of myself; am I so unbelievably conceited that I really believe I'm as good a person as that, or that I should be?
Apparently it's possible for people to have a high self-standard but also a high level of self-forgiveness for not meeting those standards; guess which of those is missing in me. It's very curious that I don't hold other people to those same standards, that I forgive much more easily, that it's much clearer that people aren't bad or are acting understandably, when it's not me -- and really, seriously, what a fucker I am for believing that I am or should be that much better than everyone else; I really, really hate that part of me, because I'm obviously the worst, and it makes no sense for me to have that standard... what, why? so that I can feel good about who I am, secretly ride high on being so good and right and just compared to other people? seriously, fuck me; I'm so awful to everyone...
And that's usually where it gets bad. When I realize that I'm not a good person, and then when I realize that I'm that much worse because I'm putting myself on some kind of unattainable pedestal. Like... what. I'm a shitty person, and I'm shitty to all of you for not being able to forgive myself for the things I forgive other people for... because doesn't that imply that I'm okay with everyone else's being a shitty person?
Awful. I'm the absolute worst.
But hey, I'm still around because, for whatever reason, you don't seem to agree.
Yo, school has sucked. I actually shouldn't be in school right now, being as numb as I am, but the Japanese students need me, apparently, so I'm going to finish off this quarter and be done with my Master's and take a break and hopefully be able to find it in me to love what I do again, in my year off.
Ah, yes. I suppose I haven't informed most of you on that -- I'm finishing this quarter, and then taking a year off to work or teach or sit at home or something, and then heading into whatever Ph.D. program will accept me (none). All that stands in the way is a week and a half, and approximately 70 pages between three research papers, none of which I've even done real research for because, funnily enough, I don't give a shit.
It's an effective way of keeping me alive, for sure, because my sense of duty to other people is really incredible, but it's rather upsetting that my wanting to stay alive has nothing to do with me or anything I find good in my life that wins over everything else.
I had a conversation with my counselor the other day (and yes, I'm seeing one, and it's actually quite fun because after a few sessions we realized it's much more effective for me to intellectualize myself as an object of study than it is for me to talk about feelings as feelings; what an academic, this one) in which we identified one of the main difficulties I have: I hold myself up to an impossible, almost inhuman standard -- in terms of both excelling in what I do and being a good person -- and it's supremely upsetting to me when I realize I'm not what I think I am, what I expect myself to be. I hate that I'm not the person I feel like I should be, that I'm imperfect in so many ways, that I get jealous and frustrated and angry and annoyed and upset, that I'm stubborn, that I dislike people, that I'm burned out and I can't focus and I don't enjoy things the way I'm supposed to enjoy them. I want to be this magnificent person, so good, so understanding and forgiving, so centered, so driven and passionate, making such a huge difference in people's lives and in the world. And then I'm not, and I get so mad at myself, and I judge myself and wonder why it is I'm as worthless as I am. And then I go even further and judge myself for judging myself, because who the hell am I to expect so much of myself; am I so unbelievably conceited that I really believe I'm as good a person as that, or that I should be?
Apparently it's possible for people to have a high self-standard but also a high level of self-forgiveness for not meeting those standards; guess which of those is missing in me. It's very curious that I don't hold other people to those same standards, that I forgive much more easily, that it's much clearer that people aren't bad or are acting understandably, when it's not me -- and really, seriously, what a fucker I am for believing that I am or should be that much better than everyone else; I really, really hate that part of me, because I'm obviously the worst, and it makes no sense for me to have that standard... what, why? so that I can feel good about who I am, secretly ride high on being so good and right and just compared to other people? seriously, fuck me; I'm so awful to everyone...
And that's usually where it gets bad. When I realize that I'm not a good person, and then when I realize that I'm that much worse because I'm putting myself on some kind of unattainable pedestal. Like... what. I'm a shitty person, and I'm shitty to all of you for not being able to forgive myself for the things I forgive other people for... because doesn't that imply that I'm okay with everyone else's being a shitty person?
Awful. I'm the absolute worst.
But hey, I'm still around because, for whatever reason, you don't seem to agree.
Yo, school has sucked. I actually shouldn't be in school right now, being as numb as I am, but the Japanese students need me, apparently, so I'm going to finish off this quarter and be done with my Master's and take a break and hopefully be able to find it in me to love what I do again, in my year off.
Ah, yes. I suppose I haven't informed most of you on that -- I'm finishing this quarter, and then taking a year off to work or teach or sit at home or something, and then heading into whatever Ph.D. program will accept me (none). All that stands in the way is a week and a half, and approximately 70 pages between three research papers, none of which I've even done real research for because, funnily enough, I don't give a shit.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-08 07:03 (UTC)omg, replying to elfie's comment instead of your post: way to go kinoface
Date: 2012-03-08 09:54 (UTC)Just dropping in to say that I love you. It is really quite a lot of love! An incredible amount! Just thinking about you makes me happy and makes me smile and laugh and look forward to the next time I can be near you because you are so fucking funny and wonderful and amazing. And I know this doesn't mean a lot coming through a computer screen. But the next time I see you, I am def. going to hug you until you can't breathe, at which point I will stop, BUT THE LOVE WILL KEEP ON ROLLIN. I mean, unless you're not into hugging? I won't noncon hug you. But if you consent to my hugs, then gosh, it is ON.
Maybe you don't need or want this and that's fine, but if you do, if you ever want to talk, about ~feelings~ or about anything else in the world, you can email me or text me or call me, even if it ridiculous o'clock.
I JUST LOVE YOU SO MUCH, OKAY. I AM BEAMING MY LOVE ALL THE WAY TO YOU, AND I HOPE YOU ARE RECEIVING IT. THERE IS SO VERY MUCH OF IT.