I'm going to delete this sometime soon, maybe, probably

Quick list:

I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to get so frustrated with myself, so angry at myself for caring about something no one else cares this deeply about -- no one else has such strong associations with -- that I slam doors and kick Pikachu and slap the wall so hard, again and again, that the bed shakes, the lamp flickers, my hand swells and glows as red as my eyes. I don't want to be so affected by something so inconsequential that I sob in the shower for an hour, sob hard, out loud, until I hyperventilate and I fall to my knees and I sit under the spray until it goes cold like in those Lifetime movies about sad women whose lives are so much worse than mine. I don't want to take things so personally when no one's doing anything bad. I don't want something that small to completely obliterate what should have been a fantastic weekend. It shouldn't. It doesn't. I don't want to feel like it does.

I want to be in Seattle watching mystery TV shows with Halley. I want it to be Jeopardy o'clock in Lloyd 20s. I want to be walking around Philadelphia with Harrison or suffocating under my own stuffed animals on Gabe's bed or lying around in the summer in my apartment with Will. I want to be with the people I'm still selfish enough to call my best friends, even though I haven't been any kind of presence in their lives -- barely a friend, not nearly good enough to be called a best friend -- for months.

I want to be in Lauren's kitchen, drinking through her dad's tea collection. I want to be in Professor Marotti's office, crying because he's the kind of good professor -- good person -- that I want to be when I grow up. I want to be in Professor Tanaka's office, being told that I shouldn't doubt myself because I do belong in grad school. I want to be in the basement of Founder's with Koike-sensei and Barndt-san, wondering how late Gon-chan will be to class that day. I want to be in Lunt Basement playing Jenga and eating a South Bend on a panini. I want to be throwing up in a Princeton bathroom after cheese-and-wine-and-flip-cup and making Claire clean up with me. I want to be watching the fish at the aquarium with Ves and Val. I want to be fixing my bowtie in Mr. Dillon's room before the Quiz Bowl match. I want to be experiencing the worst lupus flareup of my life, so rheumatic that it takes two hours for me to reach out to my nightstand to call my dad from my cell phone and beg him to bring me my medicine, so miserable that he half-carries me downstairs and my mom takes the morning off to make me congee and put my favorite movies on, because I know that no matter what, my parents will be there for me.

I want to be at the zoo with Cami and Kristen. I want to be eating everything at a Japanese bakery with Chele. I want to be on the great Canadian food tour with Ashley (it starts and ends with poutine). I want to be a cat so that Rosie and Dai can torment me. I want to sit with Aes and watch her make icons for hours while we talk about nothing.

I want to remember what it feels like to be happy. I want to go back and undo whatever happened in my head that broke that 23-year streak. I want to remember how good my life is, how incredible an opportunity I have, and how much the people around me love and support me, are rooting for me, believe in me. I want to believe in myself.

I don't want to wait until next week to see my counselor. I don't want this to keep rolling around in my head like it is. I want to be anywhere but where I am right now, alone, trapped in my mind with no way out.