Oct. 27th, 2012

ltgmars: (Default)
Last night, after a particularly nasty argument with my mom, I broke my nearly 25-year streak of never having punched a hole in a wall.

It's not like we have a bad relationship. )

In somewhat big news, I've decided not to go back to school right away (well, "right away" at this point was including this gap year). I was e-mailing UCLA professors for letters of rec, and one of them (the one who'd seen most of my breakdown and had escorted me to the counseling center a number of times) asked me if I was sure this is what would make me happy. And while I do feel like academics -- the reading, the learning, the dissecting -- is something I'm good at, and what makes me happy, his question got me thinking about whether I'm really ready to keep going right now, like this.

I had too much going on outside of school that I wasn't able to enjoy and appreciate that I was doing something I really enjoyed, and so much of it turned into a numb through-the-motions. It'd really be a waste to go on to a longer, more rigorous program and just putz out in the same way just because I'm not ready to dive in and give it the attention it deserves. So in the meantime, I've decided to really look for career-type jobs and maybe see if there's something else out there for me, either temporarily while I sort out the rest of what's going on with me, or even permanently if I find something that fits me better than academics might.

Who knows, really? I've never not been in school, you know? But I've also been emotionally stable throughout that time, and while I know I'll feel really unfulfilled if I'm not learning and researching something, maybe there's some other way for me to get my fill that isn't such a drain on me when I've also got things going on on the side. Or maybe I'll spend a few years working and realize that yeah, I want to be in academics after all. That's okay, too! Plenty of people start Ph.D. programs in their 30s or beyond, after they've gotten the opportunity to really think about it and come to know and appreciate that it's what they want. There's no reason for me to rush and not really explore other options just because I think I'm sure now, kind of thing.

On that note, I'm going to start a more extensive job search, probably outside of South Bend because there's, like, negative two Japanese communities around here at which I could actually put my degree to use. Philadelphia is an obvious romping ground to look into (Haas, feel free to let the fellas know), as well as Chicago, Seattle, San Francisco, and possibly New York if I can find a fancy enough job to sustain me. If any of you folks around those cities have ideas of places that might want me, give me a holler, yeah?


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