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Mar. 18th, 2006 14:45![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ltgmarsWhy am I not more upset? Why am I not on my knees, crying at all the dreams and wonderful possibilities that fell through my fingers when I logged into the decisions website and found out that my first choice school simply "didn't have room for me"? Really, I expected to be more upset or surprised or something... considering just how much I was looking forward to, say, joining the orchestra, or having a lunch date with YiDing somewhere in Cambridge, or visiting Sasuga Books on Saturdays, or getting a domain for being accepted, or possibly interning at Toudai, or all those other things I dreamed of that I was hoping, more than anything else, that MIT would be able to offer me.
But alas, I didn't get accepted. It wasn't much of a shock... it was more anticlimactic than anything else, you know. Like a scene in a movie where they build up the suspense, and the hero has worked this hard and gotten this far, and it's the final stretch, and he's neck-and-neck with his rival, but you know he's going to win just 'cause that's how these movies end -- happily. But once the music calms and you peek out from behind the fingers plastered over your eyes, you see -- feel -- the crushing disappointment in the hero's eyes, and you understand that he's lost.
But something incredible comes from the rubble of that loss -- somehow, he's wiser than he was, and he has the humility to accept the fact that, no matter how hard he's worked, no matter how much time and energy -- sweat, blood, and tears -- he's put into something, things won't always go his way. It's a fact of life he has to accept, a bitter pill he has to swallow if he wants to move forward.
There's no time to dwell on what you can't have. It's the road less traveled that you can't... quite... sift your way through. But what of it? One road's out of the picture, but there are others still there. Making a choice eliminates the possibilities that you could've had if you'd made a different choice, other roads with other ups and downs, other bumps and curves and flat stretches of endless asphalt that you can no longer experience simply because you made a decision; there's no straying from it.
So I'll absorb the loss, nod, and move on. Maybe I already have, considering my "Oh. Oh well." reaction after months of praying that somehow I get into this great school, and oh please, I need to get in because I've invested so much time thinking about a possible future there, and just thinking about going to school there makes me so giddy it hurts!
Or maybe I'm still numb to the harsh reality of the whole thing. Maybe I'll lock myself in my room tonight and cry my eyes out until I'm so sick I can't move tomorrow morning (God knows I've done it before). It may be unpleasant, but I'm sure it'll come eventually.
Maybe.
Pick yourself off the floor, dust yourself off, and move on. Other things are coming your way, and if you're still sitting on the ground with your head in your hands, how can you possibly be ready for what life throws at you? You've only begun to live... there's so much ahead of you, so many great triumphs and miserable defeats... However important this seems to you now, it's a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of your life. If you can't find the strength to keep going when all you want to do is stop, if you simply decide to live in the "could've"s and "should've"s swirling around in your head, then what are you doing with your life? How can you possibly be alive?
Stand up, look ahead, take a step forward. Don't let circumstances define who you are, and learn to keep going even if it feels as if there's no place left to go. Live.
As for me, I'll be waiting nervously for the rest of my college admissions decisions. (Damn the gods that made us all wait until the first week of April... what were they thinking?)
Until that time -- and far beyond that time -- I'll be living.
See you in a couple of weeks.
But alas, I didn't get accepted. It wasn't much of a shock... it was more anticlimactic than anything else, you know. Like a scene in a movie where they build up the suspense, and the hero has worked this hard and gotten this far, and it's the final stretch, and he's neck-and-neck with his rival, but you know he's going to win just 'cause that's how these movies end -- happily. But once the music calms and you peek out from behind the fingers plastered over your eyes, you see -- feel -- the crushing disappointment in the hero's eyes, and you understand that he's lost.
But something incredible comes from the rubble of that loss -- somehow, he's wiser than he was, and he has the humility to accept the fact that, no matter how hard he's worked, no matter how much time and energy -- sweat, blood, and tears -- he's put into something, things won't always go his way. It's a fact of life he has to accept, a bitter pill he has to swallow if he wants to move forward.
There's no time to dwell on what you can't have. It's the road less traveled that you can't... quite... sift your way through. But what of it? One road's out of the picture, but there are others still there. Making a choice eliminates the possibilities that you could've had if you'd made a different choice, other roads with other ups and downs, other bumps and curves and flat stretches of endless asphalt that you can no longer experience simply because you made a decision; there's no straying from it.
So I'll absorb the loss, nod, and move on. Maybe I already have, considering my "Oh. Oh well." reaction after months of praying that somehow I get into this great school, and oh please, I need to get in because I've invested so much time thinking about a possible future there, and just thinking about going to school there makes me so giddy it hurts!
Or maybe I'm still numb to the harsh reality of the whole thing. Maybe I'll lock myself in my room tonight and cry my eyes out until I'm so sick I can't move tomorrow morning (God knows I've done it before). It may be unpleasant, but I'm sure it'll come eventually.
Maybe.
Pick yourself off the floor, dust yourself off, and move on. Other things are coming your way, and if you're still sitting on the ground with your head in your hands, how can you possibly be ready for what life throws at you? You've only begun to live... there's so much ahead of you, so many great triumphs and miserable defeats... However important this seems to you now, it's a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of your life. If you can't find the strength to keep going when all you want to do is stop, if you simply decide to live in the "could've"s and "should've"s swirling around in your head, then what are you doing with your life? How can you possibly be alive?
Stand up, look ahead, take a step forward. Don't let circumstances define who you are, and learn to keep going even if it feels as if there's no place left to go. Live.
As for me, I'll be waiting nervously for the rest of my college admissions decisions. (Damn the gods that made us all wait until the first week of April... what were they thinking?)
Until that time -- and far beyond that time -- I'll be living.
See you in a couple of weeks.
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Date: 2006-03-18 20:31 (UTC)I have not heard from YiDing in a while. Does she have an LJ?
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:09 (UTC)I really haven't talked to her since last year, but I told her that if I got into a school on the east coast, I'd be stalking her. She didn't seem to adverse to the idea. ^^
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:11 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-18 21:37 (UTC)As much as this may seem like empty advice, try to keep in mind that even if you don't get into your first choice school, you can still do allright for yourself and have lots of fun. Just try not to get trapped at a community college... Of all the hoardes of people I know that go to those as their main schools, I don't know if I know any that actually got out and transferred in two years *shudder*.
Wishing you the best, and sending warm fuzzies your way *twiddles fingers*.
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:14 (UTC)And thanks for the warm fuzzies. They're much appreciated. :D
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Date: 2006-03-19 15:53 (UTC)If you go there I will start wanting to go there again XD
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Date: 2006-03-19 05:07 (UTC)Did you apply to any NC schools? Maybe you will end up going to one of them and we can hang out all the time, and you can be like "Damn, I am glad I didn't go to MIT, or I may never have been able to meet Bu."
You love me more than YiDing (whoever the hell that is XD) and you know it.
Sorry though.
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:19 (UTC)YiDing = evy = sailorceres. She the one that James seems to think is a stupid-but-enthusiastic crescent owner. You know, the one that's actually a ridiculously successful Harvard junior at the moment.
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:22 (UTC)How many typos can a girl make in one day...?
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Date: 2006-03-19 05:09 (UTC)Anyway. Nez, you're gonna get into somewhere good, I'm sure of it!
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Date: 2006-03-19 06:21 (UTC)And I guess it'll be fine if I have to go to an IN college, even though I really want to go to the east coast... I'll just make the most of what happens, ne?
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Date: 2006-03-19 09:08 (UTC)If you want, you can try for University of Delaware. I think they're still taking applications for the fall semester.
It's only about an hour drive from where I live, and well... It'll give me an excuse to go to Newark.
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Date: 2006-03-19 10:22 (UTC)And seriously, part of the reason I want to go to the east coast is because so many stalkable people live there. XDD
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Date: 2006-03-19 15:53 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-19 06:11 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-19 06:24 (UTC)(And I'm totally stalking you, too, if I get into a college on the east coast...)
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Date: 2006-03-19 15:54 (UTC)XD
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Date: 2006-03-19 17:11 (UTC)Swarthmore is #4 on my list (after MIT, Princeton, and Williams). We'll see how things go with Princeton and Williams (and, well, Swarthmore). XD
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Date: 2006-03-19 16:39 (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-03-23 00:58 (UTC)I did not get in as well.
Good luck in getting into other schools though!
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Date: 2006-03-23 01:21 (UTC)Where else did you apply (and have you heard from them yet)? :D
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Date: 2006-03-23 01:28 (UTC)I applied to UCBerkeley, UCSan Diego, UCIrvine, UCSanta Barbara, Cornell, Stanford, Duke, Carnegie Mellon, and MIT. So far, I've heard from six (you know one already): accepted to UCBerkeley, UCSan Diego, UCIrvine, UCSanta Barbara...and got a likely letter from Cornell.
College Etc.
Date: 2006-03-23 04:47 (UTC)and, like my icon says, even if everyone around you is dead, there is still time to say a final, defiant "Huzzah!" before getting ripped to shreds...so that is what I intend to do...not the last part, but the 'Huzzah' part.
'riding down a fleeing ______ with a lance/sabre/assault rifle is what RPGs are all about.'